Leo's New Friend

Quick one today with it being Memorial Day and all... Here's a sketch of Leonardo holding a rat. It's not Splinter but maybe a distant cousin? The body was drawn with regular pencil and then darkened in Photoshop to give a bit more drama to it. The background is also a product of Photoshop. Graphic pen and half-tone filters can really do the trick on occasion.

Hungry Likes the Wolves

A few weeks ago a friend of mine sent me a link to an amazon.com product. He told me it would be one of the funniest things I had ever seen. He’s usually wrong. His taste in humor follows that of a Bollywood film. Pretty lame. However, this time I was pleasantly surprised. It really was one of the funnier things I’ve seen in awhile. The product itself isn’t that funny, a t-shirt that you could probably find at any gun show. It’s more the accessories that come with it on the website. Without further ado I give you Three Wolves T-shirt.


First, the products customers have purchased just scream, “Cool people only.” Imagine seeing someone wearing this shirt, a pair of Zubaz pants and reading on how to cope with having an enormous penis. It just has “winner” plastered across their forehead.

Next are the tags, what customers feel this product is associated with. I really wish I snagged a screen capture of this earlier. At the time Necriphillia was a tag, and that’s just awesome. Since it’s been removed I guess we’ll just have to settle for sasquatch, sexytime and rape instead. Darn.

By now you’re probably saying, “But Matt, these aren’t funny. It’s actually kind of pathetic.” And you would be right. It is quite sad, but this is where it gets good. This has got to be one of the funniest reviews ever written about any one product EVER. It’s like Bill Shakespeare himself critiqued this shirt and told us mortal beings would it was like to own and wear this shirt.

Here's what it says:
This item has wolves on it which makes it intrinsically sweet and worth 5 stars by itself, but once I tried it on, that's when the magic happened. After checking to ensure that the shirt would properly cover my girth, I walked from my trailer to Wal-mart with the shirt on and was immediately approached by women. The women knew from the wolves on my shirt that I, like a wolf, am a mysterious loner who knows how to 'howl at the moon' from time to time (if you catch my drift!). The women that approached me wanted to know if I would be their boyfriend and/or give them money for something they called mehth. I told them no, because they didn't have enough teeth, and frankly a man with a wolf-shirt shouldn't settle for the first thing that comes to him. I arrived at Wal-mart, mounted my courtesy-scooter (walking is such a drag!) sitting side saddle so that my wolves would show. While I was browsing tube socks, I could hear aroused asthmatic breathing behind me. I turned around to see a slightly sweaty dream in sweatpants and flip-flops standing there. She told me she liked the wolves on my shirt, I told her I wanted to howl at her moon. She offered me a swig from her mountain dew, and I drove my scooter, with her shuffling along side out the door and into the rest of our lives. Thank you wolf shirt. Pros: Fits my girthy frame, has wolves on it, attracts women Cons: Only 3 wolves (could probably use a few more on the 'guns'), cannot see wolves when sitting with arms crossed, wolves would have been better if they glowed in the dark.

As Promised

So this was supposed to be a Nick Markakis shirt. He's only one of the best players in the American League, plus he's on my Fantasy Baseball team. It wouldn't be so bad to wear that shirt, right? He's still a dirty birdie but it's not his fault. They drafted him. However, this is not a Nick Markakis shirt. In fact there are NO Markakis shirts in the entire Albany area. I asked a couple of shop owners if they had any to which the reply was, "Who? All we got are those Ripken shirts." Really? You run a sports store and you don't know who Nick Markakis is? It's not like Baltimore is on the other side of the world. It's a five and a half hour car ride. A 45 minute plane ride. So I held out for awhile thinking a Markakis shirt would spring from the soil after a good soaking rain. No, that didn't happen. So now I own a Cal Ripken Jr. shirt. It's not that it's a bad thing, Cal is awesome in every way imaginable. He makes bald work, not many white guys can pull that off. But, he doesn't play anymore and people who know absolutely nothing about baseball would wear a Ripken shirt because he was "cool" and an "Iron Man." See, if I was wearing a Markakis shirt people would say, "Wow, this cat must know his baseball because I have no f'ing clue who that is, but I could sure go for a slice of Angelfood cake right now."

Some More "Turtle Power"

So I've been in this little groove right now of wanting to start drawing again. It's a wave I'll ride in for a little while before I get distracted with something else. Last night was another one of those nights where I felt like sketching but didn't know what to sketch. The Ninja Turtles were the theme this past weekend, mine as well carry it through into the week right? Below is Raphael screaming and what looks like something violent. At what, I have no idea. Maybe a Triceraton just off the page? Either way, he looks pissed. There are a couple changes that need to be made... mostly in his right fist. It just seems too small compared to the other one. His sai needs a little revamping too, it doesn't look too symmetrical does it?

Raphael showing some aggression.

Heroes in the Half Shell

Quick one today... Recently I've been inspired to sketch again. Not my own characters though. Other people's characters... much cooler than my own. Growing up I was a HUGE Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle fan (TMNT for you squares). First I was into the cartoon from the late 1980's then a few years later I was more of the comic book fan. Not those Archie comics though, the original Mirage Volume I comics. The real rough 'n' tumble Ninja Turtles. The Ninja Turtles that were dark, dangerous and weren't afraid to kill. Below are a few drawings I did last night.

Donatello facing off against a very dangerous Leatherhead in the sewers

Leonardo and some sort of ninja star

Raphael spinning his sais

That's all for today! Cheers.

Bitch is Back!

No, Kirstie Alley hasn't returned for more Jenny Craig commerials. Something much more fantastical has happened. It's official, Lent is over. Elton John has been gracing his musical genius everywhere I go since very early Easter Sunday morning. He was with me in the car during our early morning barhopping. He was with me as I ran off a hangover at the gym. He was even with me all nine hours at work on Monday. The world has returned to it's rightful axis and global warming has ceased to exist. Yes, it's that good. Infact it's so good that I haven't had time to inform all you wonderful readers of my successful Lent until now, a Tuesday, two days after it ended.

Sure, I had my share of weakness. That time when I almost broke down in tears during the much applauded "Almost Famous" scene when they got on the bus and sang out to the masses the tremendous "Tiny Dancer." Or the other time when the MSG Network decided to air one of his live performances in High Definition. It was a dark, lonely time in my life. My stress levels went up, my surliness was through the roof, and at one point I killed a woman with my bare hands. Punched her square in the neck. She deserved it, but I digress.

In retrospect, even though Lent was successful, I don't recommend doing something this difficult especially during a very stressful time at work. Next year if I do decide to partake in the phenomenon known as Lent I'll do something a bit less taxing. Perhaps giving up wearing silly hats, or restricting my diet to only carbohydrates and diary.

I'm a Weiner!

Yesterday was Opening Day for Major League Baseball. It's an exciting time with a certain electricity in the air. It's the first sign that summer can't be too far off. On Opening Day all teams are equal, even the teams that are predicted to be piss poor.

Growing up a New York Yankees fan I lived through the slim years of the 1980's and the dynasty years of the 1990's. Now, in present day, the Yankees have turned into some sort of traveling freak show. An All-star at every position (with the exception of center field) would seem to be the perfect way to bring about another World Series ring to the Bronx. With all of these all-star caliber players comes a sense of entitlement. Yankees fans deserve to see them win everyday. And why not? We're the best of the best, right? Other teams should just get out of the way, they shouldn't even bother playing. With that sense of entitlement comes cockiness and arrogance. I'll admit, it even gets the best of me sometimes. In fact it got the better of me yesterday. A bet was made between my friend Chad, a Marylander and delirious Baltimore Orioles fan. He asked me who would win Opening Day between the Yankees and the Orioles. I scoffed at him. I laughed like an arrogant prick. "The Yankees!" I pronounced. "Not even a chance the O's win," I declared. In fact I was so confident that my team would beat the living tar out of the opposition I agreed to a friendly wager with my fellow baseball friend. If the Orioles lose, Chad would have to wear a New York Yankees shirt to work. An embarrassing moment for him indeed. A lifelong birds fan having to wear a shirt with the logo of the team that has made his team a mockery since the 1996 American League Championship. It would be sweet victory for me indeed. Of course the latter would be the same with me. If the Orioles won on Opening Day, I would have to wear a dirty birdy O's shirt to my place of business. A wasp's nest of Yankees and Mets and Red Sox fans alike. Baseball is a way of life at my job. There isn't a day that goes by, even in the offseason, that someone isn't discussing New York or Massachusetts baseball. For me to wear this shirt would be nothing short of sac religious. But why should I worry? The mighty Yankees would crush the feeble Orioles. Not even a lingering thought of loss crossed my mind. The new ace of the staff, CC Sabathia would be taking the mound. He's as much of a shoe-in for a win than almost anyone else in the league. This bet would surely be mine.

Then something funny happened. Something almost sadly ironic. The Yankees weren't winning. In fact they looked flat out bad. The game was going horribly wrong. CC Sabathia was getting shelled in his maiden voyage with his new team. He didn't make it out of the fifth inning and he had already given up six runs. My head started to swirl! "This can't be happening!" I thought to myself. "How can they be sucking so badly? It's like they've been drugged! Yeah, yeah, that's it. The Orioles somehow poisoned the Yankees' water supply and that's why they're playing lackadaisical." Good thing I was being rational about this.

Nine innings and three hours and 15 minutes later it was over. The Yankees had been blown out 10-5 in Opening Day. The unthinkable had happened, the best team in baseball on paper had lost the first game of the season. A Baltimore Orioles shirt will now be gracing it's presence on my slightly humbled body. Stay tuned next week for a photo of me in said shirt on this very blog.

In the end, it's just one game but it brings you back a little. But not enough for me to stop declaring that the Yankees will have a 161-1 record this year and bring home another World Series title!! Suck on that you stupid Birds!