The Evil Empire's Top 500 Movies.... Ever.

Yesterday I came across one of the most ridiculous top movie lists that's ever been compiled. It really looked like they took a 65 year-old french movie reviewer and a 19 year-old college kid put them in an empty room with a pad of paper and two pens and said "Have at it!" I say two pens and not pencils because with a pencil you can erase your mistakes. That was clearly not the case with this list. If they had the option of deletion they surely would've tossed out Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (among others) from this utterly awful list. Below is a short, compiled list of movies with their spot on the hall of shame. Greatest ever? Hardly.

• Pirates Of The Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest (475)
• Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull (453)
• Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace (449)
• Big Trouble In Little China (430)
• Zelig (408)
• Cloverfield (394)
• Election (389)
• Hott Fuzz (374)
• 300 (337)
• Out Of Sight (326)
• Transformers (307)
• The Godfather Part III (282)
• Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure (271)

Now before you get your panties in a bunch. I own most of these movies seen above on DVD. I really enjoyed these flicks. But Top 500? I'll touch the bases on a few of these fine films.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest: The movie that was made for the sole purpose of getting you to the second PotC sequel (oh, and to make some money for the ole' mouse ears). This movie was a fun flick in spots but mainly just wandered around on a deserted island for it's duration.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull: C'mon, really? This movie is eerily similar to a high school boy's first sexual experience. It starts out awesome, but quickly goes south and it ends in disappointment and depression.

Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace: If this movie didn't say "Star Wars" in the title it would not have made the list. Case closed. Yoda himself couldn't put lipstick on this pig.

Hott Fuzz: Here's the problem. I love this movie. This is a great comedy, buddy-buddy, action flick.... but top 500? Nope. "Shaun of the Dead" I'll give you but not "Hott Fuzz."

The Godfather Part III: (See Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace and replace the words "Star Wars" with "The Godfather.")

Pee-Wee's Big Adventure: Funny film about a man-child in a women's makeup looking for his bike in the basement of the Alamo. Oh yeah, and the root of all my childhood nightmares was in this movie: Large Marge. I hate that bitch, she had it coming to her.

In the end I get it that people have different tastes. In the the long line of trash that we have been exposed to over the years maybe our standards have dropped. Or maybe Empire Magazine should give their writers delete buttons on their keyboards. Here is a quick list of movies off the top of my head that did NOT make the list. It's time Empire Magazine goes back to the grindstone with an amended version of the list.

• Fantasia (1940)
• The Muppet Movie (1979)
• Superman II (1981)
• National Lampoon's Vacation (1983)
• Awakenings (1990)
• Philadelphia (1993)
• Apollo 13 (1995)
• Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997)
• The Iron Giant (1999)
• A Beautiful Mind (2002)
• Million Dollar Baby (2004)

Million Dollar Baby you say!? Surely it can't be! Ohhhh, it can be! The horror! Most of these would fit comfortably in the 500-350 range, but Million Dollar Baby? According to imdb.com's Top #250 it sits at #135.

Flame on!

Welcome Aboard Mates!

Everyone else was doing it so why not, right? This is the first in hopefully a long line of blogs I will be posting here. People always say to me "Hey, you're cool. We want to read about your life, maybe you should start one of those internet blog things." And I say, "You know, you're right. Maybe I will!" ...well, that's what I envision they'd say if I ever left my home and spoke to people. So feel welcome, get quasi-cozy and check back often.


Earlier today I noticed that "Empire Magazine" printed the "500 Greatest Films of All Time." Interesting concept. Five-hundred, that's a lot. Wait to you see their choices. I'm sure I'll be ranting about that real soon... like tomorrow. If you want a head start the link can be found here. Please, make sure you have a garbage can real close to your computer as it may induce vomiting or dry heaving. This list proves that even 19-year-old janitorial interns can be dubbed "key film critics." There is hope for all of us!