From the Vault #4: Jesse the Special Chameleon

It's been a few days since our last look into the vault so it's time to pull something out that isn't from Mike Bray Cartoon. Here's one that I had totally forgotten about until I stumbled on the files earlier this morning. Back at the end of 2002, a friend of mine had asked if I'd be interested in illustrating a kids book he was looking to write about a crippled chameleon. Yes, a crippled chameleon. I agreed because I figured the children's book market couldn't be too saturated with stories about reptiles with three legs named Jesse. Plus it would be good practice for me to stay in the world of drawing. A few months earlier I had started my career in broadcast news, and there really wasn't much room for my type of doodles on boob tube.


We really didn't get too far on the project. I think maybe three pages and the cover was all that got designed. In all honesty, I don't remember ever receiving the story to work from. Oh well, atleast we got this image (and a few others) to show for it. He was kind of cute, even if his stump leg kind of looked like a penis.

The Bathroom in Review: Days 2 and 3

I must have been high on crack to think I'd have this bathroom done in two days. What in my past history would compel to think otherwise? It's been one mess after another. On Saturday I went back to Lowes, got a new tub faucet and a grab bag o' replacement parts. Five hours later my father and I finally figured out how to actually get the water to turn off in the tub. We were going off the pieces from the previous faucet and went from there. Big mistake. The previous tenants I'm convinced were borderline retarded. They were the ultimate anti-McGyver of home repairs. I say anti because McGyver was cool and could blow shit up on purpose with toothpaste. These people, they wouldn't blow it up right away and not on purpose. They would just leave a ticking time bomb at the scene of the crime in the form of faulty wiring or loose pipes and wait for it to explode five years later.

Other than fixing some of their dumb problems and getting some beadboard on the wall, not much got done. In about 11 hours of work, I literally had nothing to show for it. Went to a get-together at my cousin's house that night, got accidentally drunk and spent the night on his futon. By "accidental" I mean I was drinking something that I had no idea what was in it. I could taste a hint of cranberry juice and not much else. Apparently a 12-pack of beer and a bottle of vodka were also among the list of ingredients. Needless to say, Sunday renovations were slow, and even slower when I broke my miter saw.

Megan and the baby came home at 4:30pm on Sunday to no sink, no vanity, no toilet, no painted walls, no moulding, and half of the beadboard. Yeah, when this bathroom is finished sometime in 2011 I want to sell this house. I want to rid myself of this curse and move into a home that has standard measurements, and actual blueprints, and level walls and floors. It's not that much too ask for. I'll even go so far to say that I'd move into a townhouse if it was nice enough (many townhouses in the Albany area are stuck in the dirty 80's). I'd also even move further out of the metropolitan area to get more bang for my ever declining buck. The country is nice, right? I always pictured the country to look like the movie "Funny Farm." That's probably the expensive rural areas... the normal countryside is covered in seas of corn, 1992 Ford trucks, tobacco stains and John Deere hats.

Anyone have a house they are selling with my requirements? I want to know.

The Bathroom in Review: Day One

This weekend I have the honored privilege of renovating our upstairs bathroom. There really isn't much too it. It's a small room with some extreme eves on each end. The demo was completed last night, but not without casualties. Just when you think you have the water off, the water likes to remind you that is not the case. The tub did not have a shutoff and for whatever reason I turned the sink valves all the way to the wrong end (full blast for you rookies). Let's just say the bathroom got a shower where only a tub is available. Keep in mind that this bathroom is on the second floor, so my living room ceiling now looks like it shit itself with water stains. After that, backup was called and my father had to come over to help me with the bathtub. Three hours later and a trip to Lowe's we discovered that the bathtub nozzle is shot.

That's what was accomplished for the first day... Demo and a water fight. Day two better go better or I'll be having myself a minor breakdown. Day two will also include a trip to Target to purchase a bunch of new towels. Hey, I had to wipe the wet floor up with something and towels of the paper variety were not an option this time around.

Oh, and I currently smell like a foot. With the main water shut off I can't shower, brush my teeth, or turn my sink on full blast and run out into the street yelling "Water, weeee!!" It's a travesty.

From the Vault #3: Darth Wolicki

Here is the third of three panels in the Bray Wars saga. My friend Mark from college was the lucky one to modeled after the top villian of all time, Darth Vader. Out of the three pieces, this one was the least enjoyable to do, no offense Mark. There is too much black for my taste. One does need a splash of color after all, right? Besides, he's wearing a mask, all facial expressions are null and void, and that's no fun!

From the Vault #2: Bray Yoda

Here is the second of three panels of the Star Wars parody: Bray Wars. This one features, the man himself Mike Bray as the wise yet freakishly small Yoda.

McDonald... I'm Lovin' it!

Over the past four days I've been out and about at various eateries and retail stores and there has been something hauntingly familiar at every single place. No, not the guy with the mullet in the old, rusted out Ford Bronco... something much worse. Michael McDonald has been playing over the speakers of such establishments at every... single... place. What's with Michael McDonald cornering the Muzak market? Here's the scary part, I knew all the words to the songs that were being played. I don't even listen to Michael McDonald! How long has he been hogging the mall airwaves? How have I not noticed? Subconsciencely he's invaded my brain with his soothing and upbeat lyrics and I can't turn it away. I enjoy it, walking with that extra bounce in my step and snapping my fingers like a West Side Story greaser extra. I even start murmuring "Takin' it to the streets, takin' it to the streets... Take this message to my brother, something, something, something, Wherever people live together... Takin' it to the streets...." It's awful! But so freaking catchy! Damn you Michael McDonald! First you hate him, but then like a little puppy he slowly works at you- nuzzles you, licks your nose with his little tongue and before you know it he's sleeping in your bed and drinking out of your toilet. The problem is you don't even care, because by this point you're in love with Michael McDonald and you let him do whatever he damn well feels like because he sings "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" like you wish you could. I admit it, I love Michael McDonald! Eddie Money is a close second though-- but he isn't nearly as adorable. That's more of a pity play than anything else. Two Tickets to Paradise? Umm... you go, I'll catch up.

Michael McDonald rocking it out!

From the Vault #1: Bray Wars

The main piece to "Bray Wars" was made way back in May of 2002. It depicts the original characters from Mike Bray Cartoon. For those of you that don't know, Mike Bray is a friend of mine that I went to college with. He is one of those guys that is very gullible, very naive, but would jump in front of a bullet for you to save your life. He'd also remind you of it every day after, "Hey Buddy, remember the time when I used myself as a human shield?" From left to right: Me, Bill Rush, Mike Bray as Yoda's hologram, Nick Giarrusso, Kim Brisson, Tony Vadala, Sid the alligator and Matt Langley as 3PO. This was done originally as a three panel piece, Mike as Yoda on Dagobah and Darth Wolicki are the others. Those will show up on here pretty soon.

Not Those Ducks Again!

So I'm starting to think I go to Target pretty much everyday now. This time I was looking for Diaper Genie refills for the baby's poopie diapers. This is what I've been degraded too: Bag o' Poop bag refills... it really is an extraordinary life. Well wouldn't you know that the Diaper Genies (and their refills) are in the same aisle as those god damn rubber duckies that I harped on about earlier this week. The ducks couldn't leave well enough alone however. They have concocted a new way for you to give them more of your hard-earned money. They now come in the lovely shade of pink with a the witty slogan "Don't Duck a Breast Exam." Everywhere I go now the same item comes in a shade of pink and the proceeds benefit breast cancer research.

Hey that's cool, don't think I hate breasts. I don't. I'm a huge proponent of the "Save the Ta-Ta's" initiative, but rubber duckies? They're the first thing I think of when breast cancer comes to mind. With our luck blue duckies will be out shortly with the the catchphrase "Don't Duck a Nut Exam." or "Mallards Like Healthy Balls Too." The possibilities are endless.

...and yes, the pink, baseball wearing duckies can be find right next to the Pirate Duckies. Yar!

How a Dinosaur is Made

Here is a quick and dirty artist history of the Tyrannosaur for the A-Z book. First it starts with a simple sketch. Well, not simple. There are usually a few sketches done before I can nail down the facial expression, body positioning, etc... all into one drawing. With the T-rex, for whatever reason he was drawn at the bottom of a page and by the time I got to his belly there wasn't any room left. So technically this guy has the distinct honor of being two sketches grafted into one. Lucky little tea sipper!Next, the sketch is scanned andc the image is imported into Adobe Illustrator. A lot of artists like to do this with actual pen/brush and ink, but not me. From previous entries you've seen first hand what I do to a nice looking drawing with ink. It looks like an 5-year-old in the backseat of a moving car did it. With Illustrator it takes a bit more time but I have the flexibility of moving lines and changing their widths.

Once the vector line-art is done it is then imported into Photoshop and the color is added. The basic T-rex skin tone (in this case: Salmon) is added beneath the line-art. From there a couple more layers are added on to it, a shading layer and a hightlight layer. This process is the most tedious because light hits each part of the body in different ways. To emphasize that each part of the body has to get masked off so it doesn't receive shading where a highlight should be and vice versa.

One of the nice things about working with Photoshop is the great amount of detail you can fit in. Most of which you wouldn't really see when it goes to print anyways. It just gives me greater flexibility if it had to get made in a large format down the road.

When it's all done we now have a colored dinosaur to be placed into it's natural habitat... a little girl's bedroom where it will be attending a tea party. There is no text added to this page, just the final layout for the imagery. The fonts will be added in post when everything else is done. Maybe someday I'll actually show you another dinosaur besides the T-rex, or other art for that matter. Sometime soon, I will go into the vault and pull out some old treasures and show them off. Would you kids like that?

Where Have You Gone, Rubber Duckie?

The bathroom is no longer a safe haven in our home for those who seek refuge from a toy-free toilet. Our son now finds it hysterical to throw things in the commode. It's not just limited to his small toys either... shoes, batteries and sometimes even his own hands are the targets of these outrageous acts of unadulterated toilet tomfoolery.

To counteract his exploits we found it in our best interests to finally install locks on our two toilets (this will not come in handy if their is a #1 or #2 emergency, by the way). Me wanting to be the hero, declared, I would travel to the local Target and purchase these so called toilet locks. While I was strolling through the baby aisle I noticed the large masses of rubber duckies that they had for sale for babies. Not just your standard run of the mill duckies either. Fire ducks, ballerina ducks, police ducks, and even vampire and witch ducks. Within the depths of all these career seeking duckies there was one that just seemed a bit odd, a bit not like the others. There it was, the worst rubber duckie known to mankind... a half-duck half-dairy cow. Really? Really? Who does this?

Listen, I get it. People like rubber duckies and apparently they like a duck in uniform even more. But where does Munchkin (the maker of such ducks) have the audacity to take a dairy cow and say "Hey, let's mash it together with an innocent little duckie and mass produce it to scare off little kids!" The duck has ears for Christ sakes! The platypus doesn't even have ears like that, and they're like the ultimate WTF species of the Earth! To make matters worse they gave this poor excuse for a rubber duckie some sort of bondage choke collar. Must have been some sort of sadist working in Munchkin sculpting department again. What's next? A rubber duckie with a ----- molded to it's forehead? It's a family favorite! That's disgusting.

I urge all parent's to boycott this Chupacapra-esque duckie and send a message to Munchkin: We aren't going to take these half-assed excuses for rubber duckies anymore! We want real rubber duckies like, Hobo duck or Abusive Husband duck. You know, something that really hits home for the kids. Something that they have a real shot at becoming... what kid ever dreams of being a dairy cow? No normal ones anyways. Probably kids that drank way too much whole milk.

Officer O'Duckie arrest this bovine duckie right now! Someone has to clean up those pegs and it mine as well be the peking police. Or someone much worse. Someone much more terrifying. Someone that flaps in the night... Yes, dare I say? Darkwing Duck!

Oh, and if you're wondering, don't go to Target for toilet locks, they don't carry them... neither does Walmart. Babies 'r us had like one model... who knew toilet locks were such a taboo item.

Playing For Tomorrow

Hello fine reader, sorry for the lack of posts over the last few days. The weekend was chockful of weekend goodness: an amusement park, the baby re-enacting "The Exorcist," and a late night trip to Target (and that was only Saturday!)



Tomorrow we will return to our regularly scheduled blog duties. We had a doubleheader in softball tonight with a combined run total of 54! I'm a bit tired to really jabber on about a very disturbing item I saw at Target or show you some neato Progession shots of that T-Rex blowing on his tea. If you're good, you may get both nuggets in a Two-fer Tuesday.



Just because I like you, here's a picture of a cute little kitty to hold you vultures over 'til tomorrow.

See ya tomorrow!

Big, But Not So Bad

A couple days ago I posted an image of the first watercolor I had done in nearly a decade. Here is that same T-rex but done in ink. It has probably been closer to ten years since I've done anything with brush and ink, and when I had it was pretty bad then too. I just never had a steady enough hand for it. That's why Photoshop, Illustrator, etc... have really become such a huge crutch for me. They come with a "History" window. If Strathmore wants to corner the market in paper maybe they should invent one of those. Eh, Strathmore? You hear me? Get on it, you'll make a bundle! You may want to cash those checks in Euros though. The American dollar is officially about as valuable as toilet paper.

Sleep Away Those Sunday Blues

Hello Friends! Remember when you were a teenager and you would go to the video store (yes, an actual VHS video store) and rent old, cheesy horror films with your friends? The kind of horror film where the plot was so off the wall, and the effects looked like they were made straight from an Easy Bake Oven? Well I was getting my hair cut tonight (nice segueway, eh?) and the gal "stylizing" my hair, Dana, was harping on me to see Hostel (her and I chat about such things as transgenders, catpeople and gypsies so this wasn't too far off a normal conversation for us). She proceeds to tell me how Hostel is a pyschological thriller and it's off the hook crazy, blah blah blah... If you've seen Hostel you already know all about it. If you haven't you're thinking to yourself right now "Maybe I should check it out, this hair stylist seems to know her shit." I finally cave and tell her that the next time I come back (three weeks) I will have seen Hostel, but under one stipulation. She must see Sleepaway Camp. Hell yes, Sleepaway Camp. She's intruiged. "Sleepaway Camp?" she says? "Sleepaway Camp," I reply.



Without giving away too much, Sleepaway Camp is a pretty standard run-of-the-mill horror films from the early to mid' 1980s. Angela, a pretty awkward teen is sent to a summer camp where she promptly met by a slew of asshole kids and counselors. One by one she starts picking them off using various methods throughout the movie. Pretty boring and done a million times before? Right? Wrong! Sleepaway Camp has one of the ultimate twist endings in horror history. It takes the "Holy Shit, he's a ghost!" right out of Bruce Willis really being a god damn ghost in The Sixth Sense.



This ending traumatizes me to this day. Ofcourse the setting that I watched it in was pretty intense too. Back in the summer of 1997 my friends and I rented this movie from the local Video King. We brought it back to my house to enjoy and get a few laughs out of (we got more than a few, by the way). It was late when it started, probably around midnight or so. By the time it was over we weren't laughing and if I recall correctly we all had the look as if we just saw old people having sex for the first time. The mouth dangling, and the eyes bulged. After sobering up from the film I have to take my buddies, Clint and Jared home. Where I lived at the time backed up to a very deep unmowed field which was then followed by woods. The fog had settled in and sat comfortably and eerily on top of the long weeds by my home. That's seriously creepy to begin with, but to finish watching this film and then see that? Aw hell no! We ran to my car and pulled away like we had just seen a homeless bum asking to wash our windshield. It was seriously not cool, but in the end we now looked at ourselved as men, not boys. That movie made us grow up overnight and look life in it's eyes. It's cold, lifeless eyes.



If you've seen it Kudos to you. You are an awesome reader, and an even awesomer movie fan. If you haven't, do it, and do it now! Be like Dana, my hair stylist, and go out and hunt it down. It exists on DVD so there are no excuses like: "my VCR totally blows, it eats tapes." Go see it, enjoy it, be scarred like the rest of us, and then come back here and tell me "Oh my god! You were so right about that ending! Crazy shit! How can I ever repay you?" This is how you can repay me: Tell others of this movie and spread the word of it's campy goodness. You and your friends will be better people for it. And you will receive true enlightenment. Well that's not really true, but you're friends will appreciate you more.



Enjoy the flick!

Honing Some Old Skills

It's been a looong time since I've done watercolor or inking of any kind. Probably in the neighborhood of eight years or so. A couple weeks ago I decided to start practicing again. Man is it tough to get back on the wagon! Photoshop let's you go through your history and "start over." This is not nearly as forgiving. It's going to take awhile but here is my first attempt at watercolor. It's of a not so bad-ass T-Rex. This guy was originally done in Photoshop attending a tea party for a children's book I was (am) working on. Sometime in the near future I'll post that finished illustration.

The Evil Empire's Top 500 Movies.... Ever.

Yesterday I came across one of the most ridiculous top movie lists that's ever been compiled. It really looked like they took a 65 year-old french movie reviewer and a 19 year-old college kid put them in an empty room with a pad of paper and two pens and said "Have at it!" I say two pens and not pencils because with a pencil you can erase your mistakes. That was clearly not the case with this list. If they had the option of deletion they surely would've tossed out Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (among others) from this utterly awful list. Below is a short, compiled list of movies with their spot on the hall of shame. Greatest ever? Hardly.

• Pirates Of The Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest (475)
• Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull (453)
• Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace (449)
• Big Trouble In Little China (430)
• Zelig (408)
• Cloverfield (394)
• Election (389)
• Hott Fuzz (374)
• 300 (337)
• Out Of Sight (326)
• Transformers (307)
• The Godfather Part III (282)
• Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure (271)

Now before you get your panties in a bunch. I own most of these movies seen above on DVD. I really enjoyed these flicks. But Top 500? I'll touch the bases on a few of these fine films.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest: The movie that was made for the sole purpose of getting you to the second PotC sequel (oh, and to make some money for the ole' mouse ears). This movie was a fun flick in spots but mainly just wandered around on a deserted island for it's duration.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull: C'mon, really? This movie is eerily similar to a high school boy's first sexual experience. It starts out awesome, but quickly goes south and it ends in disappointment and depression.

Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace: If this movie didn't say "Star Wars" in the title it would not have made the list. Case closed. Yoda himself couldn't put lipstick on this pig.

Hott Fuzz: Here's the problem. I love this movie. This is a great comedy, buddy-buddy, action flick.... but top 500? Nope. "Shaun of the Dead" I'll give you but not "Hott Fuzz."

The Godfather Part III: (See Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace and replace the words "Star Wars" with "The Godfather.")

Pee-Wee's Big Adventure: Funny film about a man-child in a women's makeup looking for his bike in the basement of the Alamo. Oh yeah, and the root of all my childhood nightmares was in this movie: Large Marge. I hate that bitch, she had it coming to her.

In the end I get it that people have different tastes. In the the long line of trash that we have been exposed to over the years maybe our standards have dropped. Or maybe Empire Magazine should give their writers delete buttons on their keyboards. Here is a quick list of movies off the top of my head that did NOT make the list. It's time Empire Magazine goes back to the grindstone with an amended version of the list.

• Fantasia (1940)
• The Muppet Movie (1979)
• Superman II (1981)
• National Lampoon's Vacation (1983)
• Awakenings (1990)
• Philadelphia (1993)
• Apollo 13 (1995)
• Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997)
• The Iron Giant (1999)
• A Beautiful Mind (2002)
• Million Dollar Baby (2004)

Million Dollar Baby you say!? Surely it can't be! Ohhhh, it can be! The horror! Most of these would fit comfortably in the 500-350 range, but Million Dollar Baby? According to imdb.com's Top #250 it sits at #135.

Flame on!

Welcome Aboard Mates!

Everyone else was doing it so why not, right? This is the first in hopefully a long line of blogs I will be posting here. People always say to me "Hey, you're cool. We want to read about your life, maybe you should start one of those internet blog things." And I say, "You know, you're right. Maybe I will!" ...well, that's what I envision they'd say if I ever left my home and spoke to people. So feel welcome, get quasi-cozy and check back often.


Earlier today I noticed that "Empire Magazine" printed the "500 Greatest Films of All Time." Interesting concept. Five-hundred, that's a lot. Wait to you see their choices. I'm sure I'll be ranting about that real soon... like tomorrow. If you want a head start the link can be found here. Please, make sure you have a garbage can real close to your computer as it may induce vomiting or dry heaving. This list proves that even 19-year-old janitorial interns can be dubbed "key film critics." There is hope for all of us!